Everybody Get Frosty

In this election season, politicians are spending way too much time arguing about ISIS, the deficit, and bathrooms. In the meantime, the really important problems are being ignored. Problems which will affect the daily lives of Americans in some pernicious ways.

I’m talking, of course, about moniliophthoro roreri and fusarium oxysporum. Forget Ebola; frosty pod rot and Panama disease (their street names) are much more dangerous to the American way of life. These diseases may sound horrifying, but frosty pod rot is killing off the cacao trees and Panama disease is wiping out the Cavendish. How can American workers continue to lead the world in productivity without access to chocolate and bananas?

Much of our economic and social structures depend on these two food items. Without the chocolate sales for Halloween and Valentine’s Day, Hershey and the Mars Company will go down in flames. Once Hershey falls, the entire Pennsylvanian economy will collapse. And as pundits often point out, as Pennsylvania goes, so goes the nation. And it’s not just economics that are at risk; our social system and health care system are at risk as well.

Sure, some states, like Colorado, have had the foresight to legalize marijuana, but this is merely a stop-gap solution. Everyone knows that people who smoke pot get the munchies. The number one item to stave off reefer madness is chocolate. As such, chocolate will have to be rationed by the already overburdened health care system. Opioid addiction only affects a small percentage of the population, while 90% of Americans are identified chocoholics. The drug cartels will get even richer smuggling increasingly rare chocolate across the border. This will lead to even more instability in Mexico. Bags of cocoa powder will sell on the street for $100/ gram. Who knows how many addicts will die from bags that are cut with too much carob?

And what about the children? Most parents in this country start their children’s day off with a banana. Bananas are very filling and a major source of potassium. Bananas are what get a kid through to lunchtime, the most important part of the school day. And judging by their girth, the only part of the day American students lead the rest of the world in. Low potassium levels are associated with heart attacks and schizophrenic episodes. If we think American schools are bad now, wait until half the students are dropping dead or having psychotic episodes in the hallway every day.

Informed citizens might point out that not all bananas are going extinct. It is only the Cavendish that is in danger. That’s true, but other varieties can’t be grown economically in large quantities. Who is going to pay a dollar a piece for a banana rather than a dollar a pound? And have you ever tasted some of these other varieties? You probably haven’t since they are not in your supermarket. I’m sure you have seen plantains there, but you have probably been fortunate enough to have never eaten one. Plantains, like most species of bananas, taste like a mixture of moldy bread and rotting kale. The only way plantains can be made edible is by deep frying them and then drowning them in syrup.

It is time for the government to exercise real leadership on these serious problems because, Lord knows, Americans aren’t about to do anything resembling exercise. Almost half of all Americans are overweight, and we didn’t get that way by eating at the salad bar. Marie Antoinette lost her head because she offered the peasants cake without the benefit of chocolate icing and vanilla ice cream. One hundred and eighty million Americans will not stand for losing their favorite breakfast item and main comfort food. Fortunately, they can vote while sitting down. Sure, the votes will be for American Idol, but with Clay Aiken leading the way, Congress will soon be filled with people who understand the national importance of chocolate cream filling.

We need a Manhattan Project to create uninterruptable supplies of bananas and chocolate. We can always finance it with a tax on Whole Foods. People who shop there won’t notice the price increase, and they are proud of being able to afford it anyways. And if we can’t raise enough money that way and we are forced to choose, we can always switch to strawberries on our cereal, as long as that cereal is Cocoa Puffs. In fact, while we’re at it, let’s change the Constitution to guarantee the right to chocolate. Forget guns and habeas corpus; you’ll only get my Lindt Truffle when you pry it from my brown-stained fingers.